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| It's been a while since I've written my thoughts anywhere. Lately, I've been finding it difficult to synthesize my thoughts and ideas into anything that might possibly be considered coherent. A good example of this phenomenon would be my latest economics paper.
I'm taking 18 credits and I have an internship at the psych ward at Elmhurst Hospital. I'm the president of two organizations and I'm a research assistant for one of the psychology professors. All of these responsibilities are quite tolerable; it's really my ECONOMICS class combined with everything else that's KILLING ME.
And most semesters I experience a bewildered feeling of "floating."
This semester feels more like "drowning." But not the kind one might experience at Splish Splash right before the life guard pulls you out of the pool water / children's urine.
It's sort of different.
And suddenly I'm not so sure about most things in my life. For example- like, gRaDuAtE sKeWl? IDK LOLZ.
And one minute I'm sappy. The next minute I'm a recluse.
Everything in my life is, for the most part, good. I'm not sure what standard of good I mean. But I definitely know now that a greater number of post-it notes scattered across my desk is not an indication of suffering (necessarily). I painted my toenails today for the first time in 3 months. It's a sort of watermelon pink.
Okay I have to go.
I think I just need to go to sleep.
Leonardo da Vinci, A Self-Portrait
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| no matter how much time passes- a hint of betrayal always lingers, like the smell of a subway sandwich hours after you ate it
sorry is fine. thanks. thanks a lot.
and even if things seem "cool" and we're the best of friends again
there will always be nights when
all the things and all the people and all my disgust
runs through my veins like chipotle cheddar cheese from zeytuna
boiling so hot
if you were to cut my flesh open, the cheese would be perfect fondue texture
just toss some white wine in for taste (because alcohol on an open wound would be less excruciating
than being left alone
with my thoughts thoughts)
I'm sure you have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about at this point
I always loose people with food analogies
but that's just the trouble with lentil soup nowadays
my ears feel like they're on fire
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| That nose that nose that nose. I've seen it so many times but never have I learned so much about it as I did that day in art history class. Your nose is that of of a loser. How does that make you feel?
I studied the both of you that day, actually.
Besides that- my semester has been going great. I had returned to the city with a feeling of unease but now see that there was nothing to worry about! I'm taking 19 credits and super busy as Psi Chi president but so far- I'm surviving. Also, I'm the secretary of the Art History Club and a Peer Health Exchange health educator. I'm also a Trekkie. AND HOW DO YOU DO, SIHR?
So even though it's still not okay, it turns out that it's kind of alright that my best friend from college didn't return this year. I feel like it's almost a drop in the bucket in comparison to all the other major life changes I've been experiencing in terms of long term friendships as of recently. People come and go- even if I thought they never would. I've said before that my life isn't the 7th Avenue Express 2 train and that it's NOT okay for people to hop on and off as they like. But as I'm letting so many people go (in a sentimental sense), I think there will always be room for them to return if they wish. Clearly, however, they do not want to be in my life right now if it's come to this point of INSANITY (!)
But that's okay! It's groovy! I've met so many new people and so many new Luxembourgs that I'm still having a great time being the person everybody kinda secretly hates but will still hangout with. I like my roommate! I like the people that live on my floor! (even if they're fucking LOUD as SHIT) I like my school! I like Manhattan! (even if protesters wake me up every now and then) And lastly, I LOVE AMERICA! Oh wait, no not that last one. I actually hate America. But enough about me! How about you?!
And please don't call me anymore. I'll be out of town, traveling south east Asia for the next 2 months to study migration patterns amongst praying mantises. (it's not you- it's your HS maturity level)
Here's an example of what I might dress up as during one of the 31 days of Halloween. NO I'm not a gladiator or a Greek Goddess. I'm simply a plumber from Farmingdale and I get whoppers during my lunch hour and eat them in my car while I listen to classic rock. I'm slightly over weight with a beer gut but I donate regularly to AIDS foundations.
Also my cat is SOOO cute I miss her so much!
And I've been watching Daria like it's 1999, suckas!!! It's AWESOME I LOVE THAT SHOW! And you know what other show I love? MASH!
Okay well this has been a thoroughly WEIRD weird blog with no transitions to connect the arbitrary topics covered. so bye now!
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| So here's my first blog back in Manhattan typing on my stupid laptop and no I'm not Carrie Bradshaw so that means it's okay to keep reading if you like!
Let's talk about people. Generally I like all people. They're alright, right? It's people who I'm "close" with but not that close with at all that kinda, well, SUCK.
Firstly- There are friends who act like my life is the 2/3 7th Avenue Express Train and that they can hop on and off as they please. I kinda wish people would just stick around all the time and not just when they need something. But that's okay because I heard AT&T isn't going to be taking over T-Mobile! YAY! THE CELL PHONE COMPANY WORLD IS SAFE FROM MONOPOLIZATION (for NOW at least)
Secondly- The people who take out their own unhappiness on me: I'm sorry if you're stuck in a pathetic and unfufilling relationship with your significant other. I'm sorry if you're not accustomed to "exes" staying friends and you're too immature to attempt to be open minded about it. I'm sorry if you're too barbaric and ignorant to understand that men and women can be friends and just friends.
All I have to say, I suppose, is that I think it's sad that these type of people well, hate me when I don't know them well- they're really just friends' friends. They really don't know the full story. How HONEST I actually am and how DISHONEST she actually was in the whole situation. If they knew, ya think they'd still go to the roller derby in lingerie? I think not.
But honestly it does make me a little sad that these people don't like me and I could go on about it I guess but then I just remember that WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE and then I don't feel so bad! I feel pretty stoked that's life's so groovy. I'm sure I lost you 3 paragraphs ago. But that's okay!
Going to my FIRST DAY OF JUNIOR YEAR CLASSES I GOT FREE LUNCH AND IT'S FREE CUPCAKE DAY! Does life get better? The answer is yes but this is still really good haha
BYE!
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| i'm sorry she broke your heart.
and i'm sorry i can't fix your metaphorical heart the way i was able to fix the front brakes on my mountain bike from toys 'r' us.
i can't undo your pain from the past. but you, for whatever reason, can't seem to differentiate the past and the present- me from her. or him. or jim?
I'm not sure what Noel Gallagher would have to say about this (my new favorite), but my old favorite, Pete Doherty, would definitely say,
"You'll never fumigate the demons, no matter how much you smoke. Just say you love me for three good
reasons, and I'll throw you the rope- you don't need it."
She's tacky. If it were the '90s, she's have a lower back tattoo- guaranteed. She's the type of girl who bleaches her hair YELLOW, not blonde.
People in general are confusing. Trying to understand the aging process is even more confusing.
For example, a human at my age may be more optimistic than a human aged 2 decades older because there's naive hope for the future and relief that the teenage years are over.
A human still in their teenage years may think a human my age or older is hip and groovy because they're blinded by the mystery of what it might be like to be in college and in the 20s. In actuality, however, said older human was probably a pimple-faced teenager not long ago.
A human 2 decades older than me can generally act in one of two ways:
1) She or he might act bitter and resentful towards young folk. Said person would most likely also conform to old people attire.
2) She or he might try to desperately grasp what's left of their youth by dressing and acting like a human in their 20s. When parents choose this path, children generally refer to them as "cool parents."
There's a third, rarely chosen option, in which she or he could accept their age with grace by remembering what it was like to be a youngster, but remaining thankful that they are no longer required to go to dive bars with their friends every Saturday night and work dead end jobs.
Also, I'd like to make a shout out to my cat.
I'm slowly learning that I become delusional when I get too much sun.
I worked 14 hours this week. Next week I work 40. Okay ^_^ ???
Bye!
(Brought to you by TLC's "My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding" and Paper Mate Liquid Paper)
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